battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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