i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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