When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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