so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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