It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
