Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize