Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
