He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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