apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
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Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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