I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
