P.S. I can't hear my feet
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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