I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
