I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
