I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
