forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
