You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
