You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Randomize
