So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
