you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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