'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
