Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was confusing and full of hummus
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
