It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
