my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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