guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
