Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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