New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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