I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
