I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
