Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
