I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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