Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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