just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
