you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
