i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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