Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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