I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Semen is not good for contacts.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
