so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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