I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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