I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
