i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
false alarm, still single
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
