my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
