I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
