There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
