i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
