I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
