he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
