why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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