im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
