You're my little dorito
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
