Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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