Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
