I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
