If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need water and some morals
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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