Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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