I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
