i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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