I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
