True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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