Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
