Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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