the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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